So day 3 is upon us... going by the internal clock I had set, she has roughly 3 months to go before she even gets here, but alas she is here. I felt a lot of joy and angst going into today as it was and I can't help but feel the same way as i close my day. In one sense, we had an awesome day yesterday overall with Evelyn with holding her and getting to spend real quality time. On the opposite end of the spectrum there is still that lingering fear that at her size every ounce of weight loss, hell every gram of weight loss is unnerving. I know babies lose weight, I have a Madeline and I remember her tumbling into the high 5 low 6 lb range for a couple of weeks. But when seeing a 13% weight drop through day 3 was rough with Evelyn. She is fragile, we know that, we know to take the good days and bad days on an even keel and have given each other those exact words of advice. But just like anything else, it is easy to do it from the side line, it is totally different when it is your baby girl. I honestly feel helpless and inspired all at once when I sit with her... I cannot help it. They say preeclampsia just sorta happens... they say bradycardia is normal as is apnea in a super preemie, but nothing they can tell you prepares you for seeing it. She's my baby and I will not go any further than to say I was more scared today than I have been in my life of anything including my own mortality. Helpless is all you can say. We love her, we are fighting right along with her, we know she's where she should be right now...but it was hard today. With each bad day will come a good day...I hate writing negatives so tomorrow has to go better.
Love you Evelyn.
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